Finding Myself Again

Before I met John I was happy that I was able to live on my own and experience life. That allowed me to kinda figure out who I was. I made quite a few mistakes but I don't have any regrets, well maybe a few. :) I had a very good life. So, then I met John and we dated for a long time and unexpectedly got pregnant with Carter. Talk about a shock!! Our lives did a complete 180. We had to grow up. So, now fast forward 5 years...we are now married, have 3 kids, own a house and we are pretty much your typical American household. Somewhere in those 5 years I have lost myself...the person I thought I knew. Where did "Heather" go? I find myself asking that almost everyday. I love my life and I love my family but how did I manage to lose me in all of this?? I know for right now my main role is "mom" but I want to be "me" too. Is that too much to ask for??? I was once a lot of fun...I at one point really cared about having makeup on and looking good. Now, I'm happy if I get to take a shower before carting the kids around, much less doing my hair or putting makeup on.

So now, I'm trying to find me again...trying to take care of myself and making me a priority for the first time in 5 years. I have to do this in order for me to be a good mom, wife, friend, and person. I'm trying to lose weight, exercise, go to church...trying to lead a more healthy life, mentally, emotionally, and physically. It is so exhausting but I KNOW I HAVE TO DO IT!

One of my biggest fears is waking up in 20 something years and thinking "who am I?" (sorry mom if you are reading this) My parents got divorced a few years ago and it was one of the most devastating things to happen in my life. It was before I met John and had my own family. My mom and dad were my family and my family was breaking apart. I couldn't believe after 32 years of marriage they were ending it. How do you do that? They were married to each other longer than not married to each other. So crazy to even think about. I remember asking my mom why. Why are you doing this? Why after 32 years? Her answer was, "I went from being the perfect daughter to the perfect wife to the perfect mom. Now it's time for me." Wow! I was so so very angry with her. I know I don't know all the details of my parents marriage nor do I want to know. I do know that they loved each other and I could see it. They were my example of what marriage is supposed to be. And I didn't understand how it could just end. How do you just throw it away?? I don't want that to happen. I DON'T want to have to figure out who I am later in life. I have to figure it now. I love John more than words can even express and don't ever want to even imagine my life without him in it. There was a reason we waited to get married until Carter was 9 months old. We wanted to make sure we were getting married for the right reasons, not because we had a baby together. We wanted to make sure that when the kids were older and left our home that we wanted to be together because it will be just the two of us when it's all said and done. I can't even count how many times we were asked if we were going to get married after I got pregnant and we both would just say, "I don't know." I am so so happy that we did get married and we are meant to be together. I can't wait for us to grow old together and travel the world. We didn't ever have the chance to just be together so I am looking forward to that day. Only 17 more years! lol

So, there is why I'm doing my soul searching. Give yourself a big pat on the back if you actually made it this far! I warned you that this ride isn't fun but it's my ride...

New Blog All For Me

So, I have stopped blogging and I think it's because this has just been a hard year for me. I am surviving post pardum depression, which sucks, I had back surgery, my kids are making me go insane and I am fighting an endless battle to lose weight. I feel like I had taken over a blog that is supposed to be about my boys to a blog about me. I don't want my kids to read that later and say, "mom, what about the details of our life??" So, I decided to create another blog that is mine, all mine.

I have so many thoughts everyday and really don't know how to get them all out of my head and written down or just plain vented out. So, please join me if you are up for the roller coaster in which I call my life. It's not always pretty but it is what it is and I am thankful for everyday I get to live it!